Tuesday, October 30, 2012

This, too, shall pass! I promise!!

My little boy is 19 months old, not yet 2 but getting close.  I always thought that "Terrible Two's" was an urban legend.  As S started getting a little bit older, more toddler then baby, I started seeing less and less of children his own age out in public.  It seemed that I always saw babies and older kids but I could never figure out why I rarely see kids his age  Sure I would see families with multiple children, and they include a 2ish kid, but you don't ever see an only child his age.  WELL tonight J and I solved the mystery, those parents learned that the only way to stop the disaster that was our dinner tonight, is to not go out.
We went to a large group dinner and S melted, it was like I have yet to experience; blood, no eating, screaming, anything you can think of!  As I sat there trying to quickly finish my food, i was looking around and no other children were melting.  But now that I think about it all the families has multiple children or only one young baby.  So I don't think that I am a terrible mother, but I have never done this before, but tonight I felt totally incompetent!  Lots of things in our life have changed recently and the place we went was way more crowded then places we have gone before, and I know that all these factors contribute but Oh My Gracious!!
The hardest part I think about this is feeling helpless and the stress it places on J and I.  Neither of us know what to do, how to react, or how to help S calm down.  So we get stressed and frustrated and take out our crazy emotions on anyone and everyone close by.
All this to say that I sometimes wonder why I has a kid, I love S and he is apart of me that I can not live with out, but on days like today it helps me to stop and really think hard about why I spent 4 years praying for S.  I can't really put it into words but the feelings are still there and I hold on to that vison and promise and love when I want to pull my hair out and throw up my hands in defeat.  I sure have been doing that a lot this past month and I know, as with the previous hard times, this, too, shall pass:)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


Disclaimer: I am talking about off-the wall conspiracy here, not rational, well researched decisions! Yes there is a difference and I really hope no one gets offended by my ramblings today!

I love to watch Documentaries!! I adore learning how other people think and their reasons for certain actions they take!! I am always ready to take what someone believes and 'chew' on it for a while trying to understand their motives and beliefs and where they are coming from.  Lately I have come across 3 'conspiracy' theories that I just can't wrap my head around; Big Pharma, Processed Food, and Politics in Schools.  Ok, ok, I know that these three issues have lots of ground, but here I am talking about the crazy, off the wall ideas that there are people heading up the industries plotting, purposefully  behind a desk to make life for us lowly citizens more terrible and to take all of our money.  I totally get the the pharmaceutical industry is, at its base, a business, out to make money, and I know that food companies pack our food with preservatives and pesticides all to make food cheeper and more easy to produce, and I know that our government is way too involved in education that we are stifling the ability of great teachers to actual teach our children, I get all that!!

But have you listened to the long list of people that are supposed to be involved in the giant plot to 'kill us all'? Supposedly their are entire groups of scientists who take money to fake results, never tell anyone, and sleep soundly at night knowing that their lie leads to the death of millions? And Apparently an entire group of americans cares so little for their fellow man that they purposefully lie to the US population about what is in our food, they never get caught, and no one ever comes clean and says they are sorry, and their is so much money exchanging hands that no nice person steps in to stop the craziness.  And our politicians must each and every one of them be the most ignorant people on the planet or out to ruin the next generation that they really do not give to sticks if our kids are learning anything and again more money exchanges between what must be hundreds of thousands of people that anyone who speaks up gets, what, killed? Oh and dont forget that every single person who has ever written a published news story is in on all three of these, so thats another population of people who dont care.

The point I am trying to get at is that I can not sit in my house, and think of all the people that I know in all the different fields they work and believe that their are that many people who don't care?  For these to work humanity must be much worse off then I can possibly comprehend!  I hope you do not think me naive to say that I just can not understand how so many people could care so little.  And I know that money is a hard thing not to be tempted by but is it really powerful enough to do all of this?

 I would dearly love to hear what you have to say on this subject!! Mostly because I still can not fathom the possibility that this happens right under the nose of a huge population of people, it all seems more like the script of a movie then real life to me.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

How Do You?

How do you deal with BIG news?  No I am not pregnant ;) I recently found out some information, before I probably should have, but it is not what i wanted it to be At. All. And the worst part is that I am not deal with it very well, at all.  I am crying and I am fussing, and complaining and finding everything wrong with it that I can.  The funny thing is that my Facebook status Yesterday was "Some days I am so, amazingly, and overwhelmingly glad that God is Sovereign and I dont have to worry what my future holds." Ya, yesterday was stressful and terrible and I tried to make the best but at the end of the day I cried and complained and learned a great lesson and went to bed feeling awesome!

And then I get this text and I fall apart:(   "Why is God doing this to me?" "Doesn't he know this is the last thing I wanted?" "I thought he answered the prayers of his children?" and most of all, "How does this benefit God's kingdom?" "Why does it have to be this?"  Ugh, why can't I be gracious and see the positives and actually trust that God knows what he is doing and has the best in mind?  Thankfully I have some Amazing friends who helped my process and think of positives.  Usually, I would just run away and pretend that life is great and not acknowledge the elephant in the room.  But I can't do that any more, I have to deal with the stuff of life as an adult and I don't want to deal with stuff that I don't like!  i have to process this, and I have to do it quick and positively  while still functioning and being the mother that S needs me to be. But I am still bummed and feel cheated and wish that the news was something different, but I have to remember what I learned yesterday and hopefully I will start dealing with Big news better!  Right now I am eating chocolate, watching silly tv shows and asking you, How do you deal with Big stuff?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Writing in the fall

A poet once told a little boy, that he would know if he was a writer if he "must write or die."  Today I feel this way.  My ever constant friends; paper, pen, and the written word call to me.  It matters not what I write, only that I write.  The weather is so chill today, the clouds hang low, the air is crisp and a coming hush has momentarily settled on this part of the earth.  I see now, how God is in the silent whisper.  Mystery and magic and myth come to life and all things seem possible on a day such as today.  Spring is delightful, new growth and new birth remind us of our own youthfulness.  Summer is a wonderful time, full of travels and adventures.  But Fall and Winter are for friends and family and being at home.  In cool air and stillness we can enjoy peace and love while we look for warmth.  I can not imagine a world without the seasons, the anticipation of the cycle marks our own journey, but Fall and Winter will always be my favorite.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Do you Remember Heaven?

My memory of heaven is really a life time of collected moments which, when added together, give me a memory of heaven.  The place is still there but everything else is gone, The evil one stole it from this world, but the memory is safe in my heart.
As a little girl, I believed that our church would go on forever just as it was.  When I dreamed of the future, I would live my whole live inside those beautiful, stone walls.  I pictured a wedding walking down that isle while the organ played my favorite hymn, I saw my children growing up and serving just as I had done.  I even believed that the same people would raise my children who raised me!  I looked forward to my kids growing up with the same experiences which I had, my only tatoo is of the cross I received after serving in my church.  I think this dream is why I feel lost as an adult.  It has been 10 years since I have even been there, but in my heart that is the fixed point which I truly call home.  My life revolves around change now, and we have yet to live in one place for more then a few years, I spent 18 years in that one place with those same people, little around me ever changed!  But that magical place is gone forever, the building, remains but without the people, it is only a shadow and visiting it breaks my heart.
But we live in a fallen world and even if I could go back and everything were to be exactly the same it would not be the heaven from my memory.  Heaven is perfect and nothing in this world, no matter how hard we try, will ever match Heaven's perfection.  My mind has created this place to be perfect but the reality is that our church, in the end, ripped itself apart over sin.
I suppose I can only remember heaven, on this earth I can not ever live it.  But these memories are what drive me, I have no fear of death or the future because I have seen a glimpse of something so great and amazing that the slightest glimpse changes my heart, moves me to depths I never knew I had.  I remember heaven only one other time, when I read that ending chapters of the Book of Revelation.  I read those words and heaven reaches down and hugs my soul, and I weep openly for the joy that is to come.  In those moments I can barely breath.  I have no words to describe the feel of touching what I know is my true home!
I pray with every fiber of my being that you, dear friend, have or will have someday, a memory of heaven.