Last night I started reading Disappointment with God, by Philip Yancey, mostly because I am struggling with that very thing. Yancey has written several books and I respect his thought process because he seems to think like a normal person and not a super-spiritual-know-all-the-answers person.
I learned that God is a real being and He has real feelings!!
This insight is causing reverberations in my soul that will continue for months! Do you get that? I mean do you really understand the implications of the Fact that God is real and he has feelings? I don't think I am even close to grasping what this actually means but the knowledge is seeping into every corner of my life and I am trying to soak it all up!! I tried to explain to my husband what I have been dealing with, but Yancey describes it best when he says (paraphrased) 'that I had an expectation when I went into this relationship with God and his actions are not what I expected', hence the disappointment.
Surprise!!! the answers to all my questions are in... The Bible!!! Who knew?!
In the 13 chapters I read last night, Yancey summarized the entire old Testament. It was amazing to read versus that actually describe God's feelings and his mercy and his actions from a person who has dealt with disappointment.
I am still disappointed but I think the direction of those feelings are shifting away from a God who actually loves and cares about me, to focus on the earthly circumstances that just are. Today I am choosing to believe that it is ok to be disappointed with the situation but I am learning that life got me here and not God, and He will help things turn around.
"In all their distress he too was distressed" Isaiah 63:9
P.S. Did you know that God tells us to test him and see if he will follow through with his promise? Malachi 3:10 says that if you tithe, God promises to bless you, and then he says "Test me in this" I am chewing on this because I have asked for a 'sign' and here is a very big promise. What do you think? Do you tithe?
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
This, too, shall pass! I promise!!
My little boy is 19 months old, not yet 2 but getting close. I always thought that "Terrible Two's" was an urban legend. As S started getting a little bit older, more toddler then baby, I started seeing less and less of children his own age out in public. It seemed that I always saw babies and older kids but I could never figure out why I rarely see kids his age Sure I would see families with multiple children, and they include a 2ish kid, but you don't ever see an only child his age. WELL tonight J and I solved the mystery, those parents learned that the only way to stop the disaster that was our dinner tonight, is to not go out.
We went to a large group dinner and S melted, it was like I have yet to experience; blood, no eating, screaming, anything you can think of! As I sat there trying to quickly finish my food, i was looking around and no other children were melting. But now that I think about it all the families has multiple children or only one young baby. So I don't think that I am a terrible mother, but I have never done this before, but tonight I felt totally incompetent! Lots of things in our life have changed recently and the place we went was way more crowded then places we have gone before, and I know that all these factors contribute but Oh My Gracious!!
The hardest part I think about this is feeling helpless and the stress it places on J and I. Neither of us know what to do, how to react, or how to help S calm down. So we get stressed and frustrated and take out our crazy emotions on anyone and everyone close by.
All this to say that I sometimes wonder why I has a kid, I love S and he is apart of me that I can not live with out, but on days like today it helps me to stop and really think hard about why I spent 4 years praying for S. I can't really put it into words but the feelings are still there and I hold on to that vison and promise and love when I want to pull my hair out and throw up my hands in defeat. I sure have been doing that a lot this past month and I know, as with the previous hard times, this, too, shall pass:)
We went to a large group dinner and S melted, it was like I have yet to experience; blood, no eating, screaming, anything you can think of! As I sat there trying to quickly finish my food, i was looking around and no other children were melting. But now that I think about it all the families has multiple children or only one young baby. So I don't think that I am a terrible mother, but I have never done this before, but tonight I felt totally incompetent! Lots of things in our life have changed recently and the place we went was way more crowded then places we have gone before, and I know that all these factors contribute but Oh My Gracious!!
The hardest part I think about this is feeling helpless and the stress it places on J and I. Neither of us know what to do, how to react, or how to help S calm down. So we get stressed and frustrated and take out our crazy emotions on anyone and everyone close by.
All this to say that I sometimes wonder why I has a kid, I love S and he is apart of me that I can not live with out, but on days like today it helps me to stop and really think hard about why I spent 4 years praying for S. I can't really put it into words but the feelings are still there and I hold on to that vison and promise and love when I want to pull my hair out and throw up my hands in defeat. I sure have been doing that a lot this past month and I know, as with the previous hard times, this, too, shall pass:)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Conspiracy
Disclaimer: I am talking about off-the wall conspiracy here, not rational, well researched decisions! Yes there is a difference and I really hope no one gets offended by my ramblings today!
I love to watch Documentaries!! I adore learning how other people think and their reasons for certain actions they take!! I am always ready to take what someone believes and 'chew' on it for a while trying to understand their motives and beliefs and where they are coming from. Lately I have come across 3 'conspiracy' theories that I just can't wrap my head around; Big Pharma, Processed Food, and Politics in Schools. Ok, ok, I know that these three issues have lots of ground, but here I am talking about the crazy, off the wall ideas that there are people heading up the industries plotting, purposefully behind a desk to make life for us lowly citizens more terrible and to take all of our money. I totally get the the pharmaceutical industry is, at its base, a business, out to make money, and I know that food companies pack our food with preservatives and pesticides all to make food cheeper and more easy to produce, and I know that our government is way too involved in education that we are stifling the ability of great teachers to actual teach our children, I get all that!!
But have you listened to the long list of people that are supposed to be involved in the giant plot to 'kill us all'? Supposedly their are entire groups of scientists who take money to fake results, never tell anyone, and sleep soundly at night knowing that their lie leads to the death of millions? And Apparently an entire group of americans cares so little for their fellow man that they purposefully lie to the US population about what is in our food, they never get caught, and no one ever comes clean and says they are sorry, and their is so much money exchanging hands that no nice person steps in to stop the craziness. And our politicians must each and every one of them be the most ignorant people on the planet or out to ruin the next generation that they really do not give to sticks if our kids are learning anything and again more money exchanges between what must be hundreds of thousands of people that anyone who speaks up gets, what, killed? Oh and dont forget that every single person who has ever written a published news story is in on all three of these, so thats another population of people who dont care.
The point I am trying to get at is that I can not sit in my house, and think of all the people that I know in all the different fields they work and believe that their are that many people who don't care? For these to work humanity must be much worse off then I can possibly comprehend! I hope you do not think me naive to say that I just can not understand how so many people could care so little. And I know that money is a hard thing not to be tempted by but is it really powerful enough to do all of this?
I would dearly love to hear what you have to say on this subject!! Mostly because I still can not fathom the possibility that this happens right under the nose of a huge population of people, it all seems more like the script of a movie then real life to me.
I love to watch Documentaries!! I adore learning how other people think and their reasons for certain actions they take!! I am always ready to take what someone believes and 'chew' on it for a while trying to understand their motives and beliefs and where they are coming from. Lately I have come across 3 'conspiracy' theories that I just can't wrap my head around; Big Pharma, Processed Food, and Politics in Schools. Ok, ok, I know that these three issues have lots of ground, but here I am talking about the crazy, off the wall ideas that there are people heading up the industries plotting, purposefully behind a desk to make life for us lowly citizens more terrible and to take all of our money. I totally get the the pharmaceutical industry is, at its base, a business, out to make money, and I know that food companies pack our food with preservatives and pesticides all to make food cheeper and more easy to produce, and I know that our government is way too involved in education that we are stifling the ability of great teachers to actual teach our children, I get all that!!
But have you listened to the long list of people that are supposed to be involved in the giant plot to 'kill us all'? Supposedly their are entire groups of scientists who take money to fake results, never tell anyone, and sleep soundly at night knowing that their lie leads to the death of millions? And Apparently an entire group of americans cares so little for their fellow man that they purposefully lie to the US population about what is in our food, they never get caught, and no one ever comes clean and says they are sorry, and their is so much money exchanging hands that no nice person steps in to stop the craziness. And our politicians must each and every one of them be the most ignorant people on the planet or out to ruin the next generation that they really do not give to sticks if our kids are learning anything and again more money exchanges between what must be hundreds of thousands of people that anyone who speaks up gets, what, killed? Oh and dont forget that every single person who has ever written a published news story is in on all three of these, so thats another population of people who dont care.
The point I am trying to get at is that I can not sit in my house, and think of all the people that I know in all the different fields they work and believe that their are that many people who don't care? For these to work humanity must be much worse off then I can possibly comprehend! I hope you do not think me naive to say that I just can not understand how so many people could care so little. And I know that money is a hard thing not to be tempted by but is it really powerful enough to do all of this?
I would dearly love to hear what you have to say on this subject!! Mostly because I still can not fathom the possibility that this happens right under the nose of a huge population of people, it all seems more like the script of a movie then real life to me.
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