How Do You?

How do you deal with BIG news?  No I am not pregnant ;) I recently found out some information, before I probably should have, but it is not what i wanted it to be At. All. And the worst part is that I am not deal with it very well, at all.  I am crying and I am fussing, and complaining and finding everything wrong with it that I can.  The funny thing is that my Facebook status Yesterday was "Some days I am so, amazingly, and overwhelmingly glad that God is Sovereign and I dont have to worry what my future holds." Ya, yesterday was stressful and terrible and I tried to make the best but at the end of the day I cried and complained and learned a great lesson and went to bed feeling awesome!

And then I get this text and I fall apart:(   "Why is God doing this to me?" "Doesn't he know this is the last thing I wanted?" "I thought he answered the prayers of his children?" and most of all, "How does this benefit God's kingdom?" "Why does it have to be this?"  Ugh, why can't I be gracious and see the positives and actually trust that God knows what he is doing and has the best in mind?  Thankfully I have some Amazing friends who helped my process and think of positives.  Usually, I would just run away and pretend that life is great and not acknowledge the elephant in the room.  But I can't do that any more, I have to deal with the stuff of life as an adult and I don't want to deal with stuff that I don't like!  i have to process this, and I have to do it quick and positively  while still functioning and being the mother that S needs me to be. But I am still bummed and feel cheated and wish that the news was something different, but I have to remember what I learned yesterday and hopefully I will start dealing with Big news better!  Right now I am eating chocolate, watching silly tv shows and asking you, How do you deal with Big stuff?

Writing in the fall

A poet once told a little boy, that he would know if he was a writer if he "must write or die."  Today I feel this way.  My ever constant friends; paper, pen, and the written word call to me.  It matters not what I write, only that I write.  The weather is so chill today, the clouds hang low, the air is crisp and a coming hush has momentarily settled on this part of the earth.  I see now, how God is in the silent whisper.  Mystery and magic and myth come to life and all things seem possible on a day such as today.  Spring is delightful, new growth and new birth remind us of our own youthfulness.  Summer is a wonderful time, full of travels and adventures.  But Fall and Winter are for friends and family and being at home.  In cool air and stillness we can enjoy peace and love while we look for warmth.  I can not imagine a world without the seasons, the anticipation of the cycle marks our own journey, but Fall and Winter will always be my favorite.

Do you Remember Heaven?

My memory of heaven is really a life time of collected moments which, when added together, give me a memory of heaven.  The place is still there but everything else is gone, The evil one stole it from this world, but the memory is safe in my heart.
As a little girl, I believed that our church would go on forever just as it was.  When I dreamed of the future, I would live my whole live inside those beautiful, stone walls.  I pictured a wedding walking down that isle while the organ played my favorite hymn, I saw my children growing up and serving just as I had done.  I even believed that the same people would raise my children who raised me!  I looked forward to my kids growing up with the same experiences which I had, my only tatoo is of the cross I received after serving in my church.  I think this dream is why I feel lost as an adult.  It has been 10 years since I have even been there, but in my heart that is the fixed point which I truly call home.  My life revolves around change now, and we have yet to live in one place for more then a few years, I spent 18 years in that one place with those same people, little around me ever changed!  But that magical place is gone forever, the building, remains but without the people, it is only a shadow and visiting it breaks my heart.
But we live in a fallen world and even if I could go back and everything were to be exactly the same it would not be the heaven from my memory.  Heaven is perfect and nothing in this world, no matter how hard we try, will ever match Heaven's perfection.  My mind has created this place to be perfect but the reality is that our church, in the end, ripped itself apart over sin.
I suppose I can only remember heaven, on this earth I can not ever live it.  But these memories are what drive me, I have no fear of death or the future because I have seen a glimpse of something so great and amazing that the slightest glimpse changes my heart, moves me to depths I never knew I had.  I remember heaven only one other time, when I read that ending chapters of the Book of Revelation.  I read those words and heaven reaches down and hugs my soul, and I weep openly for the joy that is to come.  In those moments I can barely breath.  I have no words to describe the feel of touching what I know is my true home!
I pray with every fiber of my being that you, dear friend, have or will have someday, a memory of heaven.